she sends her regards

far away from the memories

starlight ~ muse

"i'll never let you go,
if you promise not to fade away;
never fade away."

it is like watching a scene from a sixth story window, across the way, in someone else's "life". we make up stories, we create reasons, we wonder in awe - but we never do know what the other person feels. love is exchanged, but do we actually feel it? do we race to say the words, to cling to the idea of it, so quickly that we lose sight of what it is meant to mean?

in that rush and push we keep the glass between us. two people separated by air and space, and two buildings with walls and limitations. we glance across, we draw hearts and throw kisses, we sing - but we never touch.

and we list out grievances and disappointments, troubles and missteps, and lies - as if we can come to some kind of reconcilliation. but the space is still there, the distance and the walls. and now there is a moat circling my heart with trap doors and armed guards because i never want to hurt like that again. in the years between, in all this time, i have learned not to let myself truly fall in love.

such a shame because i always hoped to love someone who wished on stars, who believed in music, and who never would want to let go.

keep art alive; art by will murai

my hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me

hands down (live) ~ dashboard confessional w/michael stipe

"hands down this is the best day i can ever remember.
always remember the sound of the stereo.
the dim of the soft lights.
the scent of your hair, that you twirled in your fingers.
and the time on the clock, when we realized "It's so late!"
and this walk that we share together.
the streets were wet, and the gate was locked,
so i jumped it, and let you in.
and you stood at the door, with your hands on my waist.
and you kissed me like you meant it.
and i knew...that you meant it."

thanks a lot july.

i hadn't toward the story in a long while, not in that much depth. i almost walked in the wrong door while i was telling it, and my hands were shaking so much that i nearly spilled my coffee all over me. the question looms over me everytime i do tell it - the neverending query of why did i run. it sounds so hollow, so pathetic, so fucked up to say because i felt so much, because i knew what it could be, because i knew that i would be devastated if i ever lost it. i hate to admit that i was that person, but i was.

so many stories we carry around with us, and so many lessons they still have to teach us.

keep art alive; art by caia koopman

i think that i might break

breathe me ~ sia

"ouch i have lost myself again,
lost myself,
and i am nowhere to be found."

driving alone with the music turned up high, i allow myself this moment to disappear into the sounds. i catch myself in the rearview mirror, startled at the sight, seeing myself fade. it is about once a year that i re-visit the memory of it all, and without realizing it, without completely acknowledging the fact, it is always in july.

it was july when we met. the air was so dry that we kept finding our way to water. we both had that connection, it was why you said you'd moved so close to the ocean, and why you never felt close to where you'd come from.

after all these years i can still recall the way your eyes darted away from mine, and darkened, when you spoke of where you'd left. i could see the shadows still lurking close behind, and how you tried so hard to recreate who you were. i would recognize that kind of lost anywhere; i still see it in myself.

the month will end, and i will put you back into the box of yesterdays. but for now you are everywhere - in my dreams, in the music i hear, in the eyes of strangers in the elevator ride i take every morning, and even in the book i'm reading.

so be it.

keep art alive; art found at ffffound!

and if you don't love me let me go

engine driver ~ the decemberists

"and i am a writer, writer of fictions,
i am the heart that you call home;
and i've written pages upon pages,
trying to rid you from my bones."

not so sure i can write about anything at all that does not have to do with what i'm reading. i tend to get carried away with stories easily, lswirling around in fiction, especially if the characters written are vivid, relatable, soul-stealing. i think i needed this escape. i think i desperately needed to take a step back in my life and lose myself for awhile; the closest thing to a holiday i can afford to take.

the universe, she is tricky though, and often proves herself to be as i often suspect. all the answers, all the things we try to deny, all the questions we try to silence because we fear it will make us examine our lives to closely - that it will force our hands/hearts into making a decision - are all out there. and we gravitate to them, whether we care to acknowledge it or not. who we are is in everything we touch, devour, listen to, memorize, read, and love.

or maybe i am too hazy from reading too much, and sleeping too little. as i mentioned, i tend to get too wrapped up in things sometimes.

keep art alive; art found at ffffound!

sunny days where have you gone?

why does it always rain on me? ~ travis

"i cant sleep tonight,
everybody saying everythings alright;
still i cant close my eyes.
i'm seeing a tunnel at the end of all these lights."

reading twilight by the streetlamp light that streams in through the blinds. it is not much light, not near enough, so i squint and i twist into funny angles until the pages become visible. i have been like this since i was a child, books taking me in and holding me close, whispering to me to keep reading as i walk by. or, like last night, when i really should be sleeping.

this song played in my head as i read the first chapters. the rain, the sorrorw, the questions and longings of being seventeen and not quite fitting in. i was delighted when i found the author's website this morning, and found that not only did she put together a playlist for the book (after stating, "i can't write without music"), and this was the very first track in the mix.

julia let me borrow the book. when she handed it to me she warned, with a smile, "mom, you will fall in love with edward."

keep art alive; photograph by henrikla

you're not the only one

cruel summer ~ bananarama

"hot summer streets,
and the pavements are burning;
i sit around,
trying to smile,
but the air is so heavy and dry.
strange voices are saying,
what did they say?
things i can't understand.
it's too close for comfort,
this heat has got right out of hand."

i dreamt about you again last night. the cruelty between us, it slashed through the air as if our words were made of steel. literate swords zig-zagging across the room, lashing out as we used to. the heat was oppressive. it silenced us, turned our anger up, and our compassion just melted into the street gutters.

maybe if i slip and slide down far enough the ocean will be waiting for me on the other end.

and then, when i sleep, i will forget your name when we meet again. we will trade snow cones and sidewalk chalk, disregarding all the hazards of breaking hearts and only seeing the flaws of another person - as glaring as the summer sun.

instead we would see only sun-kissed freckled skin, crooked tooth-smiles, skinned knees, and all that grass-stained innocence.

keep art alive; art found on ffffound!

i could feel myself under your face

into dust (live) ~ mazzy star

"it was you breathless and tall,
i could feel my eyes turning into dust;
and two strangers turning into dust,
turning into dust."

this song immediately takes me back to the boy that got away. perhaps it is the late 90's feel that this song carries around with it, or the fact that the last morning we spent together this was the song playing in the background. you squinted your eyes when you looked at me because the sun was beating down on us, harsh and unforgiving. we mentioned the song at the same time, both of us noticing each other noticing it. you made me promise this would not be our last shared moment, and then you kissed me.

its funny, you would think after all these years i'd have no tears left to shed for him, and for what we never turned out to be.

keep art alive; art found at ffffound!

finding the real inner you

happiness ~ goldfrapp

"we’ll be swimming in the sea,
of wisdom and serenity;
make you better.

happiness,
how did you get to be,
happiness?"

a rougher morning, but this song reminds me of what i am breathing for. you get up, you swim around in all of this life, and you try to get to your own happiness. i'm a list-maker, a lover of music, and a believer in signs. the universe, and your inner self, they gift us messages and meaning - but we are usually so spun out in our own narrow focus that we do not hear any of it.

i am guilty of dwelling on the negative. of answering "how are you" with the worst possible response. i cling to tightly to pain and stress, i know that i do. so, i have to keep reminding myself that life is not made up of tiny miseries, and i need to remember to listen more.

everyday presents us with something new to learn.

keep art alive; art by kerbi

beg for the rest of my life

the kill (acoustic) ~ 30 seconds to mars

"what if i wanted to break,
laugh it all off in your face
what would you do?
what if i fell to the floor,
couldn't take this anymore,
what would you do, do, do?

come, break me down,
bury me, bury me;
i am finished with you."

i've turned a corner today. it is unexpected, and yet not unwelcomed. i woke up this morning feeling as if i could close the door on things, and people, that have been hurting me, holding me back, causing me to feel trapped and kept pinned down - or as the painting depicts - trapped under glass. most of it is self-inflicted, well honestly all of it is, isn't it? i mean, we allow things to happen, we accept how people treat us, or how they do not.

so, i have grabbed a hold of a shiny blue axe, and shattered all this glass. i am finished. i am breaking and it is okay.

keep art alive; art by amy crehore

do you want to be a superstar?

superstar ~ tegan & sara

"green is the colour of my envy,
it's the colour of fame;
so i'm gonna write it down,
gonna scream it out,
and i'm never gonna be the same again,
again."

as an adolescent girl i would lie on the floor of my room, on my stomach, elbows holding me up, and i would flip pages of countless music magazines. i would tear out the pages carefully, choose them with care, and tack them up on my walls and my closet doors. i would sit for hours, watching those early days of mtv, keeping track of my favorites in spiral bound notebooks. i would turn the music on as loud as my speakers, and my mother would allow (pretty damn loud, actually) and daydream of a future filled with glitter, dusty stage floors, tour buses, and a re-defined me.

i'm not sure i ever saw myself as a rockstar. sure, i loved to sing, but i had no illusions of having a good, nor powerful voice. i have penned a few songs, but i lack the charisma to be any kind of front (wo)man, and i have no real desire to learn to play the drums or keyboard (i took piano as a kid and it frustrated me, i still do want to learn to play guitar though). yet somehow, in the liner notes and cover art of albums, and the interview pages of any magazine i could lay my hands on, i would lose myself in wishing.

maybe it was simply loving music the way i do, perhaps it made me crave to be close to its source. or could it be that there was so much inspiration in music, in my own writing, that i fancied myself the girlfriend/best friend/publicist/fucking seamstress for the band in some future me-incarnation. i don't know.

for now i think i will keep playing the music loud. i will write about characters whose veins pulse with back beats and lyrical refrains. and, as everything else that touches me so deeply, it will change me.